I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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