I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
