I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
