my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
