this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
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