well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
