Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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