I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
