I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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