I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
