someone get that fucking seahorse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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