broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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