I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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