Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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