Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
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He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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