Whats the glycemic index on semen?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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