I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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