I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
