dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
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So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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