someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
