Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
