3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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