There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
