Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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