So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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