I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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