Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
