Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
