My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
