everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We left an ass print on the piano.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
