Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
