If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
