i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
