So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
