Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
