I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
