i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I forget how to act sober
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
