Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
