I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize