toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
