my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
