i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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