OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
