You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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