I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
