That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my being single is dangerous.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
