Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
