If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
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I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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