I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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