I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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