What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
