I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
