No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
