got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
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hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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