I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
