hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
