The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
