Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
