Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
