i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
