Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
