What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
